Newswise — Whether a student is moving onto campus for the first time or commuting from home, the transition from high school to college can challenging. Stephanie Marcello, chief psychologist at Rutgers University Behavioral Health Care, discusses how first-year students – and their parents – can prepare to manage the stressors that accompany this life stage.
Why does the transition to college make parents and students feel stressed or anxious?
Even though most consider this a “good change” that parents and students plan for and anticipate with excitement, it is still a life transition. Any big changes, even a positive one, that impacts an individual’s life significantly can cause stress. Families will now have new routines and encounter different expectations.
There is also a grieving process involved in saying goodbye to the student’s former life as they adapt to this new version of their day-to-day routines. Learning new schedules and saying goodbye to how things were can take more energy and effort than they have typically put into everyday tasks, causing them to feel more stressed or anxious.
Also, we really want to make sure to normalize that it is very common to experience stress and some anxiety during this time. Stress often has a negative connotation, but when families are going through these types of changes, it is very common. When our body senses stress, it releases hormones, and there is a host of physiological reactions, which is where we want to implement strategies to manage it. Some of the problems arise when we don’t allow ourselves to feel these very normal feelings.
How can parents and their children manage this stress without negatively affecting their relationship?
First, it’s important to communicate with each other and acknowledge that this is the first time you have been through this together and you might be having lots of different feelings.
Normalize these feelings. As parents, we want to try our best to manage our feelings and not put our anxieties on our children, which can be very challenging. Focus on instituting daily activities to manage your stress and set reasonable expectations. Develop a routine, focusing on sleep, mediation, daily walking and intention-setting. Check your self-talk. What types of things are you saying to yourself? Are your internal comments helping you cope or make the situation more challenging?
Setting small goals can be helpful. Staying connecting to each other as well as to friends and family members can help you feel less lonely. And remember to talk to each other, apologize if you notice you respond in a reactionary way and focus on connecting and allowing yourself to feel all the feelings that might come out rather than pushing them away. The more we can model healthy coping to these big life transitions, the greater likelihood others in the household will respond similarly.
How can parents give commuting students their space at home?
It’s important to have conversations that are clear to all involved about boundaries and rules regardless of whether a student will live at home or live on campus. Families should sit down and have a conversation about what this next phase will look like. An important first step is for parents to be present when their children are talking and not interrupt them while they speak – and in turn, ask that they do the same. Resist the urge to form a comeback while the other is speaking and instead listen fully.
Parents with students who are commuting should recognize that their student might find it difficult to adapt to the new environment and working on making social connections while not living on campus can create additional stress. Approaching them with a curious mindset while also setting boundaries that fit with household values and expectations can create a healthy space for discussion.
How do you keep lines of communication open after college move-in?
It’s important that you and your college student establish how much communication works for all of you. Talk with each other and check in to see what’s working and what isn’t. Often a conversation can clear up any confusion. One way parents can keep connected is by following their child’s social media accounts: Observe but not be active in posting. Don’t make assumptions: A student may not call or text because they are having a wonderful experience. However, parents should check in if they haven’t heard from them. If they are living in a residence hall, they can check with the staff and they can do a wellness check.
What tips do you have for parents who miss their children or their previous way of life?
This is a huge transition that can be filled with distress, loss and nostalgia. Let yourself feel it. However, parents should avoid projecting these feelings onto their college students. Typically, within a month or two, parents will notice that they are adjusting to this transition.
For parents, this is a time to prioritize yourself again. Connect with others who have or are going through similar transitions. And remember, secure parental attachment and healthy levels of separation have consistently been linked to a greater college student adjustment and strengthens students’ psychological well-being.
Is homesickness normal?
Homesickness is very common. In fact, studies have shown that 70 percent of first-year students experience symptoms, which can put them at risk for adjustment difficulties. Homesickness tends to decrease after the first semester, but how fast a person overcomes it varies. It also can occur at any time.
An individual’s personality and ability to warm up to new people and situations as well as outside factors, such as how much the person wanted to move in the first place and how the person’s friends and family back home are taking the move, can affect a person’s propensity for becoming homesick.
There is no right or wrong way to feel during this transition and there is no right or wrong time for it to appear. And just as you can’t control when it starts, don’t stress about trying to control when it goes away.
What can students do combat homesickness – and how can parents help?
Students should focus on building new connections and social relationships – leave their room, attend events, go to class – even if they do not feel like it.
They should look at what they miss from home and figure out ways to recreate these aspects. For example: If they loved playing a sport at home, they should consider joining a sport on campus. They can use nostalgia to look for clues to what makes them feel happy. Most importantly, they should talk to someone about their feelings.
Parents should normalize their student’s feelings and support them but should not encourage them to come home too often. Instead, encourage them to get involved on campus and to build friendships. However, homesickness can lead to depression. Pay attention if you notice the homesickness is affecting their daily life. If a student remains disconnected, rejects opportunities to meet people and if the abovementioned symptoms persist, reach out to a professional for help.
Change is difficult and the reality is you aren’t going to navigate this transition perfectly. Having compassion for ourselves and for each other can go a long way.
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